


You're About as Threatening as Team Rocket

by blackgoliath



Category: DCU - Comicverse
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-08
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-10 19:53:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackgoliath/pseuds/blackgoliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU in which Booster is a villain and Ted is the hero</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Being the sole hero of Chicago was, Ted often thought, hard as hell. There weren't _too_ many bad guys (above regular thieves and muggers and scum of the Earth, anyway; the super-powered or technology-based ones usually migrated to cities like Metropolis and Gotham, not that Ted was complaining) but the city was big and most of the time he just couldn't help everyone. Plus he wasn't the most...efficient hero, and he didn't have super powers, and he used his BB gun because he thought the non-violent approach was best and the moral of this story was that people didn't exactly expect a lot out of him, results-wise.

But damnit, he did his best.

So maybe he was a little excited when a new villain moved into town, some hack named 'Booster Gold' (come on, what kind of name was that?) who would rob banks in the middle of the day and grin at the cameras, flashing twin peace signs, before suddenly disappearing (did he have an instant teleporter because Ted really wanted one of those and hadn't been able to build one yet). 

In any case Booster was the new Big Bad in town, which was saying something because the guy seemed mostly harmless if it wasn't for his 'steal all of the money in the vicinity' problem. Still, Ted wasn't going to let that kind of thing happen on his watch, so the next time he heard something on his (makeshift) police scanner he hopped in the Bug and shot off toward the bank.

His first fight with Booster Gold didn't go well.

"Dude, seriously? An air gun?" Gold had laughed, the high intensity blast of air pushing him back a few feet as he hovered in midair, but otherwise doing nothing. Ted had stared in disbelief. _How the hell did he do that_?

"Force field, duh." As if he'd read Ted's mind. "If you're gonna try and stop me, you'll have to do better than that!" And he'd disappeared with over $100,000 and a sparkling white grin that pissed Ted off in a way he couldn't quite describe.

Eventually Ted figured out the wavelength for Gold's force field and was able to jam it, though it took him longer than it should have (he wouldn't admit that, idiot as Gold appeared to be, the guy had superior technology) so subsequent confrontations were much more equal, which seemed to make his opponent fairly angry - Ted started to wonder if the guy had any advantages other than his technology, which at times he didn't appear to know how to use properly. After the fourth or fifth time they clashed Ted realized that, while Gold wasn't the baddest villain out there, he was the most.... _fun._

So when he received the little note that said "Meet me here and we'll settle this once and for all", Ted wasn't overly concerned about agreeing, and in fact was a bit excited. And when he arrived to Gold throwing the lights up and shouting "Let's get this party _started_!" he found himself hooting with glee. This was going to be a piece of cake.

Twenty minutes later Ted wondered how the hell he'd ended up with his wrists bound to a hook in the wall. The stuff Gold had used was extremely strong too, even though it looked like normal string, and Ted wondered where the hell this guy got his gadgets.

"Okay, you win," Ted admitted, tugging at his restraints and flashing a sheepish grin over his shoulder. Gold was standing behind him, arms crossed and looking triumphant. "You can let me go now."

"Hmmm." Gold pretended to be thinking. "Naaah. I think I'll have a little fun with you first."

Ted blanched. "Aw, come on buddy, haha, I know you're a thief but you don't seem like the torturing type. And you wouldn't want to torture me, I'll just scream like a little girl, it's kind of embarrassing, actually, and that wouldn't be very fun, so you should just let me go and we'll pretend this never happened--" Ted cut himself off with a surprised squeak when, instead of something horribly painful, he felt a hand squeeze his butt.

"You know, it's _really_ annoying how endearing that babbling of yours is." Another squeeze. "Wow that's firm. Do you work out?"

"Um, y-yeah, gotta keep in shape, y-you know?" Ted swallowed, his cheeks turning a brilliant red. "What are you doing, exactly?"

"Not sure." Gold's hand was sliding up Ted's back now, and Ted couldn't help a little shiver. "I should be pantsing you and leaving you for the cops to find, but..."

"You should do that, that would be _really_ funny, just imagine the looks on the cops' faces when they found me--"

"Maybe next time." Ted felt fingers at his throat, tugging at the edges of his mask. "How do I get this thing off?"

"It's, uh, electronically sealed." 

"Oh."

"Sorry. But, hey, now you won't get to learn my secret identity and come find me and my loves ones and kill us." Ted gave an awkward laugh.

"Dude, I wouldn't know who you are anyway. I come from the 25th century, I don't know _anybody_ around--" Gold stopped. "Forget I said that."

"25th century, huh?" Ted glanced over his shoulder and cracked a grin. "No wonder your tech's so good."

"Shut up." Gold tugged a few times at the mask, but it wouldn't budge. Ted's grin broadened.

"How's that working for you?"

"I said shut _up_." Gold slid his hand up between Ted's legs and despite himself Ted made a soft mewling sound, and he was kind of waiting for Gold to move his hand up just a wee bit farther but instead the hand stopped mid-thigh. 

"Wait, uh. Is this....is this okay?"

"....What?"

"What I'm doing. Is it okay?"

Ted strained to twist himself to look at Gold. "Are you seriously asking me that?"

"Well, _yeah_ , I'm not some kind of rapist or something!"

"Geez, I didn't say you were, buddy, it's just, wow, you really just asked me point blank for consent after you tied me to a wall."

"Come on, man, I didn't really think this through--"

"Are you implying that this is what you were going to do the whole time?"

" _No_ , well, okay, maybe--"

"Would that be _before_ or _after_ you beat me up--"

"I was going to beat you up and then, I don't know, ask you for coffee or something--"

"You have _got_ to be kidding me--"

"But then this happened and you were sitting here sticking your butt out and I just don't know what you expected, frankly, with an ass like that--"

"It's okay!" Ted blurted finally. "What you're doing, it's okay. Alright? You good now?" He glanced back and stared at the saucy smile sliding across Gold's face, then sucked in a breath when that hand moved right up where Ted had wanted it to.

"But do you think we could, uh, take a rain check? Maybe?" Ted said hurriedly. "This isn't really a comfortable position, and my knees are starting to hurt and this warehouse is kinda cold--"

"The tying up part is supposed to be kinky." Was Gold pouting? Damnit Ted, what have you gotten yourself into.

"Okay, that's great and all, but I think it'd be a lot better on an actual bed."

"Fiiiiine." Gold gave an exasperated sigh and leaned forward to undo Ted's restraint; as he did (whether on purpose or accidentally Ted didn't know) his crotch pressed up against Ted's butt and he could feel that the guy was a little bit excited and he had to work really hard to keep from pushing back against Gold. And then Ted's hands were free and he sat down, rubbing the sore skin through his costume.

Gold frowned. "Oh yeah. Sorry about that."

"It's fine." Now that he wasn't tied up Ted was feeling a little awkward. He stared hard at a collection of pebbles on the floor. "Soooo."

"You said you'd rather do this in a bed, right?" Gold asked.

"Yeah, but maybe we should get that coffee first. You know. Try to give this situation the semblance of not being weird as hell."

"Okay, then let's get some coffee." Gold stood up, and so did Ted, brushing the dust off his knees. When he looked back up he was surprised to see Gold pushing his goggles up onto his forehead and sticking out a hand.

"My name's Mike." 

Ted stared at the hand. This was a villain, a bad guy, a thief who Ted should be bringing in to custody right now. Sure, he was kind of an idiot, but that didn't mean he couldn't be dangerous if he really tried. Overall he was definitely not the person Ted should be giving out his identity to. 

But sometimes Ted could be an idiot too.

He used the special control in his glove to unseal his mask, pulling it up over his head. Then he took Mike's hand and shook it.

"I'm Ted. Nice to meet you."


	2. The Coffee (Read: Chinese) Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> booster takes ted out on that date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha so i felt like adding a bit to this little au and here it is enjoy

“I look ridiculous.”

Booster Gold stared at his reflection, his mouth twisted down in an intense scowl. His hair – his beautiful, perfectly coiffed, golden hair – was hidden beneath an ugly and ratty brunette wig. Ted had also had the ‘foresight’ to bring him a pair of mirrored sunglasses, a false stick-on moustache, and even a little fake matching soul patch. He looked like one of those guys you find when you’re out hiking in the woods, the ones that made you really uncomfortable and wish you’d remembered to bring some mace or a tazer or something.

“Seriously, Ted, is this necessary?” Booster turned to his – acquaintance? date? archnemesis? – and crossed his arms. “Nobody knows what I look like. I don’t need a disguise.”

“Dude, you wear a pair of goggles and you get yourself caught on camera all the time. _Everyone_ probably knows what you look like.” Ted reached up and straightened Booster’s wig. “The last thing we need is for somebody to realize who you are while we’re trying to drink our coffee.” Ted gave a little laugh. “Again.”

“Hey, you heard what that lady said when they interviewed her on the news! She only _thought_ I was Booster Gold. And I already apologized for that, like, fifteen times—“

“And I said it was fine,” Ted interrupted with a grin. “I’m sure the second try’ll work out.” Ted stepped back to admire his handiwork, stroking his chin with his hand and tilting his head as he squinted at Booster. After a few seconds the grin reappeared. “Perfect! You look like just any old Joe Schmoe.”

Booster turned back to the mirror, glad that the men’s bathroom in the little Chinese place they were eating in – Ted had decided round two of their first date should be somewhere he could actually get some food – was empty. He smoothed down some of the wiry brown hairs of his wig.

“If Joe Schmoe was a sex offender, then yeah, I sure do look like him.”

“Knock it off. You’ll be fine.” Ted clapped a hand on Booster’s shoulder. “Now let’s go, I’m starving.” Ted moved to walk past him, but Booster caught Ted’s wrist before he could and spun him back around. 

“In a minute,” Booster said. “Just let me—“ and he took Ted by the face and pressed their lips together. He heard Ted make a muffled noise of surprise before Ted’s hands came up to rest on his hips. He let himself get lost for a moment in the softness of Ted’s mouth, the slight metallic taste he’d noticed during the first kiss just after the coffee date fiasco that made him wonder if Ted sucked on wrenches or something. When he pulled back Booster went to make a joke about it, took one look at Ted’s face, and started to laugh.

Ted frowned. “What?”  
“Nothing, nothing,” Booster replied innocently. “But I think I’ll be taking that back.” And, still stifling giggles, he carefully peeled the fake moustache off of where it’d gotten stuck crookedly to Ted’s upper lip and re-applied it to his own. Ted snorted.

“Are we good now? Can we go eat? I really am starving.”

Ted insisted on a table in the back (Booster had to hide his disappointment, only partly because he kind of _wanted_ someone to recognize him – sure, it’d fuck up another date, but who was he to hide from his adoring public?) and pretty soon the waitress brought them two waters to start with. Booster expected her to bring a menu until he remembered that this was the 21st century and Chinese buffets were still a thing.

“Ted…” Booster began as Ted sat back down with not one but two loaded plates of Chinese food. “If you eat all of that there’s no way in hell you’ll fit into your costume.” 

Ted shrugged and slathered soy sauce on some fried rice. “Actually, I’ve done some tinkering with the suit so it can stretch somewhat if I get a little…ah, heavier. It’ll still fit.” 

Booster pouted. “But I like the way it fits _now_. It's tight in all the right places.” Ted choked a little on his rice and blushed, then tried to hide his face by guzzling his water. 

“On a completely different note,” Ted said finally, after his blush had dissipated and he’d put down his water, “when are you going to stop robbing banks?”

Booster looked at him, sighed, and put down his fork.

“We haven’t even had our first full date yet and that’s already my least favorite conversation topic.”

“I’m serious, Boo—Mike! What you’re doing is illegal!”

“It is?!” Booster’s face adopted a mock look of horror. “Oh gee, and all this time I’d thought it was perfectly fine! You’ve really opened my eyes on this, Ted!” His expression changed into a saucy grin, one that Ted did not mirror.

“If you went straight we could be a team, you know. A superhero team. The Blue Beetle and Booster Gold, the blue and gold, saving the day!”

Booster imagined it for a moment. Their colors _would_ work well together. “Would I still be famous and rolling in dough?” 

“I’d say you’re more infamous at the moment, but yeah, you’d still be famous.” Ted gave a sheepish smile. “Ish. And of course you wouldn’t get money, that’s not what being a hero is about! In fact you’ll probably spend a lot of money…and eat ramen and spaghetti-o’s for dinner every night, even on a CEO’s salary….” Ted was frowning and staring off at a point beyond Booster’s ear.

“Wow, that really convinces me.” 

Ted sighed in exasperation. “But don’t you wanna be a good guy?”

“Can’t I be both? Why is it impossible for me to be a good guy _and_ filthy stinking rich?” Booster leaned forward, catching Ted’s hand in his and stroking a thumb along Ted’s skin. “Look, it’s not like I’m killing anyone. All of my weapons are non-lethal, and I only target banks that insure the money people put in them, alright?”

Ted’s eyes widened. “You do?”

“Well yeah! I want to get easy money, not spend the rest of my life having nightmares about some old grandma whose life savings I stole.” 

“But there are other easy ways to make money. We could open a resort, or, or invent a popular product, or—“

“Yeah, that sounds like a lot of work,” Booster cut in, letting go of Ted’s hand so he could go back to eating his sweet and sour chicken. “I’d rather just go in and steal it.”

“And what happens when you get caught? When the police find your hideout and arrest you?”

Booster chuckled and swallowed a mouthful of chicken. “One, they can’t, because my ‘hideout’ is a time-traveling ship that can go anywhere – and any _time_ – I want; and two, you worry too much.” Booster’s teeth sparkled when he smiled, even though the lighting was much too dim. It was a special skill he’d perfected over the years. “It’s kinda cute, actually.” 

Ted blushed again, biting his lip to try and keep from grinning (he failed), and busied himself with finishing his two heaping plates of food. By the time they were done, the overall total was two plates – Booster, three plates and a bowl of ice cream – Ted. As Ted leaned back in his chair, patting his stomach with a lazy, satisfied smile, Booster tried to subtly lean over and check beneath the table to see if Ted had some kind of magic wooden leg in which he hid all of that food, because Booster wasn’t quite sure where else it could’ve gone. 

“Ahh. That was good,” Ted said, stifling a burp. “You wanna split the check?”

“Actually,” Booster replied, giving Ted a crooked grin, “I have a better idea.” He leaned forward, prompting Ted to do the same (albeit with some difficulty; he was quite stuffed) and muttered, “We’re gonna diner ditch this joint.”

Ted stared. “We’re gonna what?”

“Diner ditch. Leave without paying. Pretend we’re going to the bathroom and then just walk out.”

“ _What_?!” Ted’s jaw dropped. “We can’t do that! It’s stealing!” Booster just grinned and got up, pushing in his chair and ignoring Ted’s spluttered protests as he made his way to the bathroom. Just like he expected, Ted got up and followed him, and when Ted came into the bathroom Booster pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.

“Just follow my lead,” he said. Which went fine, for the most part, until they got just outside the restaurant. Apparently Ted hadn’t been walking confidently enough, or just looked suspicious, because the guy manning the front desk came out after them. And even though Booster’s eyebrows were giving very clear ‘STAY COOL’ signals, Ted glanced back just as they got to the sidewalk, saw the guy, and took off at a sprint.  
Booster sighed and glanced back at the restaurant employee, shrugged as if to say ‘I have no idea what got into him’, and started jogging after Ted. It apparently worked; the guy went back into the building, and it was only then that Booster broke out into a run to catch up with Ted. He saw a flash of blue ahead turn down an alley (even in civvies apparently Ted felt the need to be color-coded) and went after it, catching up with his date beside a dumpster halfway down. When Booster slowed down enough to stop next to the panting, bent-double Ted, he was already laughing.

“I can’t believe you just did that.”

“He was going to catch us!” Ted gasped for breath, sounding much more out of shape than he really was. 

“No, he wasn’t. And he wouldn’t have come out at all if you didn’t look so guilty when we left.”

“Because I was guilty! We just left without paying!”

“Then go back.” Booster crossed his arms. “Go back and tell them we tried to ditch and pay the check.” Ted looked up at him, teeth worrying his bottom lip, and gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.

“I don’t want to.”

Booster grinned triumphantly. “That’s what I thought.”

“Okay, I feel really bad for admitting this, but…” Ted stood straight, eyes bright in the dimness of the alley. “That was….fun. _Really_ fun. I’m still pumped up.” Booster could practically see it, too, the adrenaline still coursing through Ted’s veins. Maybe it was the ear-to-ear grin and shining eyes. Or maybe it was the fact that Ted suddenly grabbed Booster by the face and kissed him hard on the mouth.

“We should do this more often,” Booster murmured against Ted’s lips, and then they were kissing again, Ted pushing Booster against the wall of the alley in his eagerness, arms wrapped around each other and Booster could taste pretty much everything Ted had eaten on his tongue and lips, which would normally be disgusting but right now he didn’t care. 

He pulled back after a minute or so and, breathing a little heavily, asked, “We should get to that bed.”

“I’ve got a better idea.” Ted kept himself pressed up against Booster as he pulled out a little key remote from his pocket. “We’re close to the river. How about a Bug, instead?”

“You gonna show me your secret hideout?” Booster asked, grinning, and Ted opened his mouth to reply, but instead of saying anything he pushed himself away from Booster, spun on his heels, and retched all over the ground.

“Sorry,” he groaned after it was all out (there was so much, Booster thought, holy shit he really did eat all of that food). “ Remind me to never run on a full stomach again.”

“Sure, sure.” Booster tried not to breathe through his nose, which was difficult because he also couldn’t stop laughing. As much as he’d wanted to see the inside of ‘the Bug’ (and also what was underneath Ted’s clothes), and as pathetic as Ted puking in a back alley after running away from a Chinese man was, this was probably the funniest thing he’d ever seen. 

“And let’s just,” he began, once he’d finally stopped laughing enough to speak. “Let’s just…take a rain check on that bed. And/or bug.”


End file.
